COLOR ME FUNNY
March 14th at Delia Foley’s at 8:30 PM Alt Lit history will be borne out of the mouths of babes. One of those babes is the infinitely affable Steve Roggenbuck, webmaster of ‘Live my Lief’ and preeminent poet of the online generation. Rarely does Mr. Roggenbuck make his way to Baltimore, Maryland. Yet that’s exactly what is happening this very Thursday, March 14th. Things are changing. Baltimore has done a lot to prepare itself for Steve Roggenbuck’s visit. What are most exciting are the little things about the arrival. Blink and one might miss them.
The first thing is the most obvious. The ‘Shamrock’ shake has transfigured itself into the ‘Shamcock’ shake to better advertise itself to Steve Roggenbuck’s legion of cockboys. Since settling down the cockboys have had an easy time of things in merry old Chicago, working as baristas and street walkers. And boy when one of Steve Roggenbuck’s cockboys passes, each person they pass goes ‘Ah’. It is like ‘The Girl from Ipanema’ but updated to include Steve Roggenbuck’s cockboy entourage. Many of them are looking forward to seeing Baltimore once more, a place so nice they named it once and promptly forgot about it because Washington, D.C. is right next door and less funky. More no mistake about it, Baltimore is funky as fuck. There is a reason John Waters set ‘Pink Flamingos’ in Baltimore. People get a real thrill out of it, like Steve Roggenbuck does whenever he visits.
Baltimore is ready for its self-appointed ‘sexual cartographer’. Flowers are budding. Trees are growing there leaves once more. Some say this is due to the change of the seasons, from winter into spring. Life is coming to rescue people from the cold dark grays of winter. While there is some truth to this whole ‘season’ thing part of the reason is due to the infinitely fertile loins of Steve Roggenbuck. Sadly since Steve Roggenbuck last arrived on Baltimore’s hallowed-ass shores, he’s shed himself of the ‘pre and post’ cum filled pants that defined an era of him. Now sold on EBAY to someone who will definitely not wash them Steve has new plans for Baltimore. In Baltimore Steve Roggenbuck will twerk hard to create pre cum stains on the pants of hundreds of lucky boys and girls, transforming them into adults from mere children.
Alt Lit and comedy will come together for this delightful little shindig. Among the lucky ones are a bunch of comedians who will probably raise the roof, transforming scrappy little Delia Foley’s regular ceiling height into loft style. That’s classy. As an additional bonus Beach Sloth, a rare and mysterious beast, will make a rare appearance where he will either ‘rock the house’, ‘suck’, or more probably reach a level in between those two extremes. No photography please for Beach Sloth, but for Steve Roggenbuck: go nuts. Take lots of pictures. Steve Roggenbuck is the Johnny Appleseed of poetry. Watch him plant seeds of wisdom in the mind.
On July 19th 2012 Tao Lin posted (and has since deleted) a tweet that said
"can someone email me all 2169 my tweets as text in word file with the dates, i’ll mail u $30 of shit from my room firstname.lastname@example.org"
I jumped at the opportunity to be a tao lin intern for a little so I spent 10 minutes scrolling to the bottom of tao lin’s twitter profile, highlighted all of his tweets and pasted them into a word document and sent them to tao. When I did this I was in China. Tao replied soon after and said that I was the first person to send him the file and then he asked for my address. I gave him my parents address to send the 30 dollars worth of shit. When I got home from China a month or so later there was a package from tao waiting at my parents house. The package included a shit load of bumper stickers that said like, “I support the war on America by bath salts”, a copy of Megan Boyle’s book and a packet of paper titled “Deleted from April 10 Taiwan Things” Because his upcoming book is titled taipei I figured these were edits (removals) he made, even before he had the name of the book nailed down. I scanned a couple pages and I am posting them here if anyone is interested in these ‘leaked’ pages. I have more pages if anyone is interested in reading more. You can ask me to scan more and I’ll scan more.